albizu.com

by The Star Staff
The San Juan Star
May 26, 2005

Rio Piedras (UPI) - The Biology Department of the University of Puerto Rico, Rio Piedras Campus, has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium Portorricensis." Governmentium Portorricensis has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium Portorricensis has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium Portorricensis causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium Portorricensis has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium Portorricensis' mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium Portorricensis is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium Portorricensis becomes Gabinetum, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.